Rulo's World: CTTA - TTR - TGE

Can't Take That Away - Through The Rain - Triumphant (Get 'Em)

A month ago I tried to commit suicide by cutting my veins. It's been a long, long road to recovery. After I passed out I woke up the next day bathed in my own blood, unable to barely move among the broken glass. No strenght.( Y'all can check the pics I took) No one came to the rescue. No one even wondered or cared for me. I would've stay there and rotten all this month long until I started to stink and then the landlord would open my room to find my corpse. I was half naked. I remember not even being able to fully open my eyes. My bedroom looked like a fucking crime scene and I had to clean up my own blood pretty much off everywhere. I had nightmares, one after the other, I couldn't eat, I had panic attacks day after day, hiperventilating,  horrified of nothing, crying each time I had to wash my wounds. Ttrying to ease myself by speaking, saying "I'm a rational man. I can't be scared of moving". I was scared of my own body. Of the touch of my clothes against my skin. Feeling there was bugs, rats, strange things moving around. I thought I'd become totally mad because there's mental illness within my genes. I couldn't even listen to music. I did die that day. And I lost my soul. Now I go by as a motherfucker, I don't give a shit, I can fight whoever tries me. I killed myself, I don't fucking care about no fucking body. I got to know who are my friends and who isn't. I go by that rule now. My right arm is healing faster than the other one. Obviously, I hurted me worst using my right hand against the left one and I still need to keep on taking meds so I can heal. Never thought I'd try that way, I visualized so many ways to do it. I wanted to jump off a building or getting drowned at some river (just as one heroine of mine). Desolation is able to make wonders, well... you know. I used this kitchen knife and... well, you can see I tried a couple of times before  doing it good. I Never thought I'd get a tattoo. It ain't like I'm gonna try and hide my scars, my stitches. Patricia had them, you know (that's not her name)... As a child you can not understand but as a grew that flower changed and I realized she did tried to escape from misery. I was part of that misery it seems.  What can you expect from life when your own ... thought you were not enough worth living for? Whatever, long story. I was harshly bullied in school for a number of reason, mostly for being a nerd and weird and I wanted to do it, I was only 12. Never could. Also, let's be honest, I wanted to burn my school with everybody inside (lol, kids). I always say people need to thank God I wasn't born in America (if you know what I mean). I don't give a fuck about being controversial. It is what it is. Time went by, when I was in France I did thought abuot jumping to the Seine river and then off a cliff somewhere in the southern mountains. CTTA helped me overcome the bullyng,  she gave me hope. That's when I became a Lamb. People don't know just how much she has had to overcome and still they try to destroy her to this very day. Remember NYE. When I heard TTR I remember watching the video in awe. The true story behind was so inspirational. About racism and how to survive and how love is love. Her father was black, her mother is white, in the 60's they kicked her out for dating him and they used to burn crosses in the yard when MC was a little girl, not knowing why everybody asked her "what are you" because of how she looked. The message to me, as a teenager was that it was ok to be bisexual. The First Dominion was hell and they did try so hard to make me feel I was disgusting. And I learned many things little one's shouldn't know. First Dominion kicked me out when I was only 19yo when he made me confess I was dating a kid from school saying I was  nasty, saying I was dead. I replied: no, you son of a bitch, YOU are dead to me. Never came back. I knew in my heart her words were true and nobody, not even them could make me think my love could be wrong. You know, she has this wonderful way of writing in such a way we all can relate to her salvation anthems, even not being religious at all. Many years later, 2012. We are now in the Second Dominion. Things were going so bad. Horrible things happened to me and I was miserable. Let's talk about Side Effects. Enduring so much abuse, not being able to say shit because I lived inside that masquerade... And I was having 0 success as a writer, I never graduated college, once again, I was feeling an outcast and the other students were mean af to me. I wasn't strong enough. She wrote TGE to help Nick overcome his liver disease. Once again she came to rescue me, now with this strong and powerfull message about being yourself and never give up. Also about killing bitches. Meek Mill's rap is good af also. When the song came out I totally got by her rythm and the words she used (very specific) she was portraying a boxing match. A couple of weeks later the video came out with a Box fight as main theme. I felt so proud. I got Twitter proof I got it first. It did saved me once again. It's a very underrated song among lambs. That same week I learned by heart every part including Meek Mill and Rick Ross' verses and I translated the whole thing in spanish. That time I thought of jumping off a bridge. But it was all in my mind yet. Then my book came out and I got a very important award for writing it. Those were 2 good years yet I was still living that lie. A couple of years ago I did tried to get hit by a car, it was a mess and I got arrested. Well not arrested, in fact I fought the law, (remember this is Mexico) so they robbed me and they beated the shit out of me. I was finally living on my own. In 2016 my coworkers betrayed me and I got fired. I had no money, a couple of months back I sold pretty much every jewel I had including my wedding ring (2nd dom) to get me the best tickets I could afford to see Chanteuse in CDMX and MTY. I got very good seats, thing is... when I got fired I was left with nothing. I felt so depressed cause all the people I trusted turned their eyes away. I had no money but I couldn't let me sell those tickets. The only thing keeping me away from those suicidal ideas was finally meeting her. It was a once in a lifetime thing. First time touring in mx and God knows when she'lll come back. I'm too poor to go to America so. I got to see her and it was the best time in my life. I will never forget that experience. And, you know, the second concert.. I took a flight to another city and since I lost my original flight I had to pay more and I was with no money to even eat. I slept on the street cause I couldn't find a cheap hotel. I wandered the MTY streets in the cold, I was happy of the chance I had yet I had to come back to reality. I got back to reality and these last years have only turned out to be worst and worst. When I published my debut book back in 2015 everything looked so promising... I'mma get both arms inked because I need to look at myself and think there is some strenght inside I can relly to. I just got  CTTA - TTR - TGE on my right wrist because (everybody who knows me knows this) those songs saved my life and everytime I feel weak now I just have to look at myself and I know she will be there to protect me from others and she will also protect me from my own demons. I will get another MC tattoo on my left wrist but they recommended me not to get no ink there yet since i have several cuts. It looks nasty af. And I want to get an image that I still can't figure out. I need at least a couple of weeks to try that. I ain't gonna get no butterfly, ha, I mean, I ain't that kind of guy. Also that tat has to coexist with my scars so I need to think of a good idea. Now I am strong. Just the ones who actually care will get my tattoo. Hopefully, one day I will meet her and I will tell her a very short version of this story and I will proudly tell her that she has saved my life so many times. I know this tattoo will forever be the light to guide me. And also, as I said pon my Twitter, MC and I have been sharing some life moments, starting from the broken childhood and the poisonous relatives (Petals, Close My Eyes, Reflections), and gravitating towards some patriarch that only tried to dim our light (Side Effects, I Wish You Well) Dominion was Tommy Mottola. Then, and not everybody knows this, I went thought the whole marital ish she went through both doing ourselves so much hurt and we both separated and got divorced at the same time. the MIAMTEC album is about that journey. We're fine now, just like she and Nick became friends instead. I remember the very first time I istened to TAOLG I bursted in tears when the I no longer live in your dominion line came. It was the fucking bible of what I was going through that very moment. This ain't for nobody but me and I still try to survive each day and I still try to believe writing can be my saving grace. I don't know how that is gonna work.